Beyond a reasonable shadow of a doubt Santa is Canadian so relax children!

Good Day Boys and Girls:

Don't listen to all that malarkey you see and hear in the House of Commons. Paul "Liar, Liar Toaster's On Fire" Calandra, Stephen Harper's Parliamentary Secretary, doesn't know what he's talking about.

Santa is definitely a Canuck because he's chronically obese, only works one day a year and drinks just half the sherry left out for him on Christmas then obviously doesn't think twice about drinking and driving.

So you see boys and girls Santa is really "Senator" Mike Duffy shown here enjoying a little post Christmas taxpayer sherry.

Santa Mike doesn't have to work very hard, makes lots of taxpayer money and can live anywhere he wants.

Sincerely,
Clare L. Pieuk

Buddeh, he's obviously a Brit
Tim Stanley
Thursday, December 12, 2013

Something I feel the need to draw the world's attention to: Canada's politicians are currently locked in a heated debate over whether or not Santa Claus is Canadian. They're wasting their time, he's obviously British. But we'll come to that later.

It started during a parliamentary discussion about Russian attempts to militarise the Arctic. The Government says that it will resist the Russkies at all costs; the Liberal Party, led by heartthrob Justin Trudeau, says that sovereignty ought to be something for oceanographers to decide. Trudeau's wimpishness led Conservative MP and parliamentary secretary Paul Calandra to argue, "All of a sudden the Liberals are suggesting that Santa Claus is no longer Canadian and that they would abandon the North Pole and abandon Santa Claus." To which Mr Trudeau replied in an interview, "Everyone knows that Santa Claus is Canadian … His postal code is H0H 0H0 … But the real issue is what do the cartographers say?" The New Democratic Party – Canada's Kraft-dinner eating surrender elks – said that Santa is a "citizen of the world". Yawn. I guess every country has its hippies.

As the National Post points out, this could spark a rift with other countries. Many think that Santa is Finnish. Closer to Canada, Alaskans feel they have a pretty good claim, too. From the Post:

“Santa Claus lives here,” says Nicole Blizinski, from Santa Claus House, located at 101 St. Nicholas Drive, North Pole, Alaska. “There are a variety of St. Nicks all over the world, and they all carry with them the embodiment of Christmas, but Santa Claus lives here — in the North Pole of Alaska.”

It gets weirder. During Senate confirmation hearings over the appointment of Bruce Heyman as the next US ambassador to Canada on Wednesday, Mr Hayman asserted that Santa was in fact a global citizen and was protected from Russian aggression by NORAD, the joint Canadian-American air defence initiative. Which is a relief to hear…

Okay, so everyone's obviously talking tongue-in-cheek but if we're going down this surreal path then it's time to assert the actual, 100 per cent, total, inviolable truth: Santa is not only British but he's decent, down-to-Earth British trash. Why? Because he's chronically obese, only works one day a year, and if he drinks just half the sherry left out for him on a Christmas Eve then he obviously doesn't think twice about drinking and driving. And if he is British then he probably lives in the Shetlands and comes under the protection of NATO and the Royal Navy's last remaining armoured pedalo. Debate over. The world's children can relax.